Warning: This article contains strong language. If you’re offended by strong language, THEN LEAVE THIS PAGE IMMEDIATELY.
This sleazy, defamatory, predatory piece of pond scum has been polluting the Internet for many years, hell-bent on showing as many people as possible what an utterly obnoxious turd he actually is. Amazingly, while doing so, he amassed a sizeable following of gullible twats who – for reasons that still escape me believed a patently dishonest, highly abusive, aggressive, manipulative, loudmouthed and emaciated asshole with absurd lifestyle and dietary habits was worthy of adulation.
But lately, a most interesting — and some would say eminently predictable — situation has begun to play itself out. As is the inevitable means of the Self-Centred Asshole, the narcissistic sociopath that is Johnstone started increasingly turning on many of his so-called comrades. Yep, he started attacking those who apparently shared the identical dietary beliefs. Because of this, a growing number of individuals within the vegan/fruitarian/raw food “neighborhood”, who once raucously laughed and cheered as Johnstone maliciously slandered non-vegan health commentators, suddenly realized he wasn’t so funny after all. Yep, as most of those “plant-based” idiots had to learn the hard way, it’s easy to cheer and laugh and snigger when someone is being a prick to other people – but it’s a completely different story when you become the target of that person’s malevolence.
As a result of his indiscriminate prickology, Johnstone’s fortunes — which rely heavily on his monetized YouTube videos — have dwindled dramatically lately. A growing number of people are finally waking up to the fact there are far better things to do with one’s time than watch some mad moron with an eating disorder and a really annoying voice.
1 person who deserves special mention, and much credit, for alerting the world to the sheer prickness of Johnstone is Michael Hebo, who has a YouTube station under the title”Norvegan”. We’ll get back to Michael and his truly magnificent cinematography soon. First, we will need to tackle a very sad fact, one who has inspired me to write this article: There are still lots of staggeringly gullible simpletons who still look up to the obnoxious, prematurely-aged turd-burglar that is Harley Johnstone.
Being the community-minded humanitarian I am, I have taken time out from conscientiously performing the 3 Rs (Assessing, Riding, and Rubbing my pooch’s belly) to teach these terribly misguided souls.
So, señoras y señores, without further ado, here are six reasons why Harley Durianrider Johnstone is a wicked, worthless prick and , if you need a hero, you would be better off turning to DC Comics rather than some unworthy, uncouth bogan from Adelaide, Australia.
Reason #1: He’s a Cunt
Regular readers know this could hardly be the first time I’ve used profanity in my writings. However, in my nearly two years of posting Internet articles, only one individual has driven me to use the term “cunt”, which is still considered something of a taboo word in this era of prime-time F-bombs.
Given the sheer mass of very hostile and irrational oddballs I’ve encountered through the years, that is really saying something.
So who’s this pioneering maverick of unparalleled cuntdom?
A durian, for those of you unfamiliar with South-East Asian horticulture, is a smelly fruit covered in spikes. Your first encounter with a durian is one you’ll never forget, especially if no-one has given you some forewarning on what to expect. When you cut a durian open, you are greeted with a white, custard-like substance that emits a disgusting, nostril-pinching stench.
I’m guessing the same thing would happen if you cut Johnstone open.
Before I explain why Johnstone is such a cunt, it behoves me to explain just what a cunt is.
As you’re going to learn, Johnstone more than meets the standards for eternal cuntdom. Johnstone, ladies and gentlemen, is the epitome of meanness and obnoxiousness – a true cunt among cunts.
Any attempt to document the entire extent of Johnstone’s world-beating cuntism would lead to a really thick and weighty book. However, this was meant to be a bullet-point style article geared toward Homo sapiens, of whom 50% (in Australia and the USA) are functionally illiterate and of whom 95% have an attention span of around 4 seconds (on a good day). As such, I’ll restrict this exploration of Johnstone’s cuntaciousness to two exceptionally illuminating examples.
The first involved a woman with cancer who, sadly, has since passed away. As in, it really fucking stinks . Any of you who’ve ever had a loved one die as a result of this ruthless disease know what a heart-breaking procedure it is to watch a previously healthy, jovial and energetic individual wither away before your eyes, everybody knowing full well what the impending outcome is.
Now, imagine this: You’ve end-stage breast cancer, and a massive tumour is visibly devouring one of your breasts. Conventional oncology, which still relies on the crude slash and burn approach of chemo, radiotherapy, and surgery, offers little hope. Your impending outlook is death. Needless to say, that’s a really depressing prospect.
In desperation, you begin exploring’alternative’ therapies that might confer better survival prospects than being poisoned, nuked and cut. You locate a clinic in Mexico that sounds promising, but if you hear the treatment fees, your heart sinks like a rock. You are not a wealthy individual, and simply don’t have that sort of money. And neither Medicare nor medical insurance covers’unconventional’ cancer treatments in foreign countries.
Folks, this is life for many cancer patients: A glimmer of hope, followed by crushing despair and disappointment.
But amidst this disparaging new low, a light bulb switches on within your weary mind: A crowd-funding campaign. You’ve never been one to ask for charity, but this is your very life that’s on the line. And that means you launch your fund-raiser, explaining why you so desperately need the money.
In desperation, you reach for your phone, turn on the camera and do something that, a year before, you could not have imagined yourself doing. You make a video in which you bare your soul and tell the world you’ve got cancer. Lest there be any doubt about what you are really experiencing, you lift up your shirt, tears streaming down your face, and show the distorted cancerous mass that is eating away at your breast.
Much to your aid, the donations start pouring in, and it seems like you might actually be able to pay for the Mexican cancer practice. Your eyes water as you watch the donation tally continue to head north. You are genuinely touched and humbled by the generosity of your fellow humans; perhaps there is hope for this ragtag species after all!
But your jubilation will be very, very considerate, and your faith in humanity is about to be crushed like a peanut under a steamroller. Unbeknownst to you, a menacing prick known as Harley”Durianrider” Johnstone has arrived on the scene and has got you in his predatory sights.
This narcissistic loudmouth, who suffers heart palpitations anytime he sees someone else getting the attention he thinks only he deserves, decides to launch a hate campaign against you. The quintessential troll, he moves on social media and tells everyone you’re a “scammer”. You’re a “fraudster”. That’s right, you do not really have cancer. You are only trying to make a quick fortune by cynically tugging on people’s heart strings.
What kind of a horrible man would say this stuff? Why does this individual harbour such unbridled malice towards you? Until his ugly persona burst into your life, you didn’t even know who he was — so how could you have possibly wronged him?
How could someone be so fucking cruel?
Human beings, quite frankly, are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Yeah, we devise iPads and stuff, but we also constitute our own principal predator, a disgusting feat no other animal species could ever dream of replicating.
Amidst this murky swamp of stupidity, those who believe the demented ramblings of a sleazy, pathological liar like Harley Johnstone must speed among the dumbest of the dumb.
Sadly, there are a good deal of dumber-than-dumb dipshits out there. So many, in reality, that the donations for your cancer fundraiser essentially dwindle to nothing.
This is by far the lowest point in your draining, dispiriting journey. For a while there, you felt that the uplifting sensations of optimism and hope. Now, all that’s been stripped from you. It feels like you were gored in the guts by a rampaging bull, and you quickly sink into depression.
You start crying.
If you think the above scenario is a purely hypothetical one — it isn’t. It is the precise situation 33-year old American woman Jennifer Faulisi found herself after she had been diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Jen, whose mother had recently died of the same cancer, was vegan for two-and-a-half years before being diagnosed with breast cancer. She appealed to the “generosity” of the vegan community to help her raise funds for what she believed was her only hope: Gerson-style cancer therapy at a specialized clinic in Mexico.
And originally, that generosity was forthcoming. Jen did manage to raise enough money for to Mexico and start treatment, where her condition started to improve.
But Johnstone opened his big fucking mouth, and from this hate-filled cavity out spewed an avalanche of toxic bullshit.
“In my honest opinion, it’s a scam”, declared the Doucherider.
His“honest” opinion? Now there’s a fucking oxymoron. As history has amply demonstrated, there is nothing honest about Johnstone — the guy is a pathological liar.
But what of Jen’s disfigured breast, which she had revealed to the world in her desperate plea for help?
“I feel this individual is using make up, or black salve in their body”, said Johnstone, who seemingly has a PhD in forensic makeup that he’s not telling us about.
“They seem like a bit of a smack addict, bit of a druggie,” said the Doucherider of Jen. That’s a shocking accusation, coming from a drug user who himself seems and behaves like the stereotypical meth-head. Check out this tasty news story of Johnstone with a bogan meltdown in the middle of a road in the Adelaide Hills:
Tell me again who the druggie is?
So what proof did the Doucherider need to support his astonishing accusations?
“I look in that person’s eyes, and I see darkness,” claimed the insane one.
What a fucking idiot.
Johnstone did accidentally let slip 1 piece of truth:
“I tell you what, our community is extremely easy to exploit. So many trusting people, naïve people…”
Ain’t that the truth, even though it did come from a serial-lying asshole. For years, Johnstone was doing just that — exploiting the naivety of his cult-like followers to be able to create lucrative revenue from his YouTube videos. There was a money-grubbing scammer in this entire affair, but it sure as heck was not Jennifer Faulisi.
Michael Hebo has recorded this sad, sorry saga in the next video:
In the section beginning at 6:40, Jen discusses Johnstone’s spurious allegations and states “Apparently, I have to take time from [coping with her illness] to prove I have cancer? I have to prove… that I have cancer. I am not exaggerating at all to say the very first time I watched this and saw Jen showing her biopsy and PET scan results, and once again suffering the indignity of baring her breast, I was truly ashamed to be a member of the Homo sapiens species. Jen was having to “prove” she wasn’t a scammer, all because of a few cunt whose insanity and dishonesty are easier to spot than an NBL player standing in the center of a pygmy tribe.
How can people be such utter pricks? And why are there so many gullible twats who look up to these pricks?
It gets worse. Johnstone refused to apologize, and persisted with his utterly unfounded “scammer” allegations. The donations to Jen’s fundraiser dried up, causing much grief not only to her family and friends. In response, one of Jen’s Vision Team members filmed an impassioned video, offering to cover Johnstone’s air fare to the US so that he could meet Jen for herself and talk to the US medical specialists who diagnosed her cancer. He even offered to pay for Johnstone’s food, accommodation in Philadelphia, and for a rental vehicle. He asked in return was that, when it was established beyond doubt Jen did have cancer, Johnstone would jump back on his YouTube channel, tell everyone he made a mistake, and ask his followers to help Jen.
Jen’s US physician, Dr Dan Rogers, posted a movie verifying Jen’s condition.
And that’s exactly what happened. Johnstone never apologised. Instead, he just quietly removed his scandalous videos from YouTube and hoped no-one would notice.
Meanwhile, Jen ran out of cash and had to leave her treatment in Mexico — where her tumour had shrunk.
Like I said, Johnstone’s cuntness is without compare. Picking on healthy folks that are minding their own business — his sleazy stock-in-trade — is bad enough, but picking on a cancer victim?
I mean, actually?
Ladies, how would you feel if you were in Jen’s shoes?
Gentlemen, how would you feel if your mum, sister or spouse was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer, and while you were dealing with the resultant emotional turmoil, you had some scumbag such as Johnstone mouthing off on YouTube that she was just a “fraudster” and a “scammer”?
The second lucid demonstration of Johnstone’s cuntaciousness stems from his response to images posted online of a 19-year old girl who’d been assaulted by her boyfriend. Rather than expressing sympathy, or at least keeping his fucking mouth shut, the psychopathic Johnstone felt forced to loudly deride the girl on Facebook and YouTube for being a “dumb bitch” and “fucking doormat loser”.
According to Johnstone, the attack was “100% her fault!” The woman’s culpability, in Johnstone’s jaundiced eyes, was because of her supposedly staying with her boyfriend after he had previously assaulted her. I’m not positive if this is truly the case, but even if it were true, what difference does it make? Repeatedly assaulting your 19-year old girlfriend is inexcusable, and these repeated assaults would merely demonstrate that the young lady’s boyfriend was a habitual cunt — just like Johnstone. The Doucherider, you see, has admitted to repeatedly hitting his ex-partner, Leanne Ratcliffe. He claims it was only in “self defense”, but even if this were true, it begs the obvious question:
I guess that would be because he’s… a “dumb bitch” and “fucking doormat loser”!
Yep, 100% Johnstone’s fault!
Reason #2: He is a Misogynistic Prick
As the above-mentioned screen of cuntness suggests, the Doucherider has a very hazardous view of women. Here’s a video in which Johnstone reveals what he really thinks of women:
Yep, women, in Johnstone’s view, are only a bunch of “fundamental, handbag-wearing bitches”.
The idiot needs another vasectomy — this time, on his vocal chords.
Reasons #3 and #4: He’s a Creep and a Hypocrite
Having lived on Planet Dipshit for nearly 50 years, I’ve heard a lot about the behavior of my fellow Homo sapiens. One observation is that there is a subset of men out there who harbour disparaging attitudes towards women as a result of having had little romantic success with the opposite sex.
Johnstone’s malevolent attitude towards girls no doubt has a lot to do with the fact he is an ugly, demented creep. While some women do indeed exhibit strange taste in guys, ugliness and psychological derangement never appear anywhere near the top of the list when scientists jointly survey women about what they find attractive in men.
Another observation I have made about my male counterparts is that people who get the least sex usually make the biggest deal about it when they eventually get “some”. Hence we had the spectacle of Johnstone publicly posting videos in which he boasted, over and over, about how he went “balls deep” on his then-partner Leanne Ratcliffe.
For fuck’s sake, no-one would like to hear that repugnant shit. The mere thought of a bony, unhygienic, denture-wearing, Anglo-Bogan creep like Johnstone trying to mount and penetrate another person with his flaccid little pecker is truly fucking nauseating.
Secondly, going balls deep on a girl can hardly be regarded as an achievement when your penis is the size of a thimble. For a card-carrying member of the 2-Inch Club such as Johnstone, going “balls deep” ought to be easier than brushing his meth-wrecked teeth. Johnstone really needs to quit his bragging and go back to prematurely dropping out of unsanctioned bicycle races or whatever it is he does when not dribbling bullshit online (more on Johnstone’s failed biking endeavours in a moment).
When you suck with women, it’s often because you have no idea how to tell whether a female is in fact interested or not, and as you have little idea of the manner in which a healthful male-female romantic interaction grows.
As Michael files in this video, this clarifies Johnstone to a tee. Johnstone even admits to repeatedly asking a young woman to kiss him after she’s repeatedly said no to his improvements:
If you must nag and cajole someone into swapping spit, it means that they are not attracted to you. If you happen to be an ugly, deranged bogan who doesn’t understand why, maybe take a look at a mirror some time.
No way no, you fucking loser.
Speaking of forcing one’s self onto young girls, a few years ago Johnstone started accusing a person by the name of Eisel Mazard of paedophilia and domestic violence. Johnstone even publicly’hinted’ that he and his fellow cult members would attack Mazard, and that Mazard therefore should watch his back.
As usual, Johnstone had zero evidence to back up these malicious allegations. There was, and remains, absolutely nothing to even suggest Eisel had completed what Johnstone claimed. As usual, Johnstone only pulled these claims from his putrid asshole, threw them out to his incredibly gullible followers, and sat back and watched the ensuing fracas.
“For the rest of my life,” lamented Eisel, ” I’m going to have to cope with the fact that my companies can put my name into Google and see it attached to’paedophile’,’wife beater’,’sexual predator’ [and] numerous other absurd allegations. It is quite possible that this will have actual negative impacts for the rest of my life.”
Why would Johnstone do this?
As Michael records in Part 3 of his excellent”Unmasking” series, narcissists like Johnstone concentrate in a behaviour called projection. In a nutshell, this means that people with dysfunctional behaviours often take those behaviors and’job’ them on other people, accusing them of being bad, bad people for having these traits. Yes, it is a ridiculously hypocritical behavior, but people like Johnstone are ridiculously fucked in the head.
A classic example of this behaviour is Johnstone’s penchant for accusing others of steroid use. Johnstone, over time, has accused just about every other male in the health and fitness arena — including yours truly – of taking steroids. As usual, he never supplied evidence for his bullshit allegations – he just fabricated them and threw them out like bones for his fuckwitted followers to chew on.
But guess what? Johnstone himself is a prolific user of steroids! Former acquaintances have shown that Johnstone has been using them for years. While his copious steroid usage is obviously doing small for his broomstick-like physique, he clearly is a big fan of anabolics. Here he is waving a vial of Sustanon around and bragging about the large amounts of steroids he keeps handy:
So when Johnstone accuses someone else of being a “sexual predator”, guess what this really means?
Here’s a teenage girl describing how the nearly-40 year old Johnstone tried to force his affections upon her, despite her objections:
And here is Hannah Chloe, Michael’s partner, explaining her disturbing experience with the sleazy Johnstone:
Thus, in future, when you hear the deranged Johnstone accusing someone of taking steroids, forcing themselves upon young ladies, or fucking the village goat while nobody was searching, just assume he’s talking about himself.
Because he is.
Reason #5: He’s a Coward
For many decades now, Johnstone has been conducting a nasty hate campaign against yours truly. To this day, I am still not sure just what the man’s problem is. After all, just like Jen Faulisi, I didn’t even know who the penis was when he started mouthing off about me, so it’s not like I could’ve done anything to hurt or provoke him. Perhaps one of his former girlfriends left him to start a torrid affair with an olive-skinned guy with a shaved head, or maybe an Italian-Australian guy with a passing resemblance to moi took offense at his big fucking mouth and gave him a good bashing. Whatever, Johnstone clearly has some type of issue with me.
What is the matter, Sunshine? Can you look into my eyes and watch “shadow”?
That would be because I have dark brown irises, you fucknut.
Anyways, Johnstone has stated a lot of really nasty shit about me over the years. And so I challenged Johnstone to stand behind his bullshit and throw down with me. Hey, if you’re’man’ enough to start mouthing off about someone on the Internet — with no justification or prior provocation on their part — then you should damn well be man enough to front up to that person and repeat that shit to their face.
Johnstone, however, is a pathetic little coward. Rather than throwing down, he threw up, defaecated in his bibshorts, and immediately ran to another group of dysfunctional, dishonest, misogynistic cunts — namely, the South Australian Police (SAPOL) — telling them some cock and bull story I “jumped out from the bushes” one night and punched him in the face as he rode his bike up a hill. This, he told the fucknuts from SAPOL, caused him to collapse and led to $8,000-$9,000 of harm to his carbon-fibre bicycle. You know, the same carbon-fibre bike he publicly boasted about remounting and continued to ride up and down Kensington Road following this dream event allegedly occurred.
I’m hardly the only one Johnstone refuses to front up to. Numerous other recipients of Johnstone’s venom, including Eisel, have offered to meet Johnstone in person and sort out their differences. In every situation, Johnstone switches from running in the mouth to running away like the scared little bitch that he is.
Reason #6: He is Full of Shit
Through time, Johnstone has gone to great lengths to convince everybody what a super-fucking-awesome-sick-maaaaate athletic specimen he is. He is a shit-hot bicycle rider too — hell, the only reason he hasn’t won the past ten Tour de Frances is because those men are all on drugs, bro!
Johnstone’s problem, in this respect, is that he is full of shit. Deep down inside, he knows this. That’s why he works so hard to make a false character of athletic awesomeness. He’s not just trying to fool the public, he is trying to fool himself. When you don’t have any wisdom, no life skills, no accomplishments, no formal qualifications, only a niggling voice deep inside that keeps telling you what a massive non-achiever you are, then it becomes imperative to create an illusion of success.
But how athletic is Johnstone actually?
As this video shows, while girls in Russia are benching 110 kilograms, Johnstone struggles to knock out six reps with 66 kilograms, a truly dreadful weight for a grown man:
That piss-weak bench press, recall, belongs to a man who’s a prolific and long-time user of anabolic steroids!
And what of his allegedly awesome cycling prowess? Well, early this year, someone acted upon the terribly misguided idea to maintain a bicycle race across Australia. Since Johnstone is a terribly misguided person, this seemed the perfect opportunity for him to display his two-wheeled talents. There were no daily phases; the riders were told to get in their way, and that whoever got to the East Coast first are the winner. As a result of this truly idiotic race design, the participants skimped on sleep as they attempted the sort of daily mileages the UCI knows full well would be detrimental to seasoned professional riders.
If ever there was a guaranteed recipe for disaster, it would be mixing a whole lot of fatigued, sleep-deprived cyclists with Australia’s awful drivers. Sure enough, one rider got hit by a car in South Australia, while British ultra-distance star Mike Hall – who had complained of being “really tired” and enduring poor vision throughout the race – was struck and killed in New South Wales.
Sadly, Johnstone fulfilled no such terminal destiny. That’s because the self-proclaimed super-fucking-awesome-sick-maaaaate cyclist did not even make it past day two of the event. He dropped out of the race, proffering some bullshit excuse about having to bail because he had been recovering from a previous bike crash.
Yes, rumour has turned into a giant koala jumped from the bushes and sucker punched Johnstone’s ugly noggin’, causing him to crash and sustain a further $8,000-$9,000 damage to his motorcycle. SAPOL are frantically searching for this giant koala as we talk. The public should not approach this giant koala, as it’s believed to be armed, dangerous and high on eucalyptus. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this giant koala, or any other fantasy creatures with a penchant for hitting vegan cyclists, should contact the gullible morons at SAPOL immediately.
So also did 74 year old Paul Ardill, the oldest rider in the race, who really did have a crash on a gravel road during the event – but got back on his bike, settling into a consistent rhythm of about 200 km a day.
Many assholes have at least some redeeming feature, but I’m struggling to even start to see anything positive about Johnstone. He’s only an out-an-out malevolent — an evil, worthless prick. If you’re among the gullible dolts that has succumbed to his bullshit, it’s time you pulled your head from your asshole and woke the fuck up.
Notice: If you find Johnstone’s behavior as repugnant as I do, have been the victim of his sleazy, defamatory, attention-grabbing online antics, or know someone who’s contemplating following his reckless dietary advice, then please feel free to discuss this article far and wide.